Oh the Holidays...

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Let's see, I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start at the very beginning of yesterday and work my way up. For some reason, the night before Christmas Eve, I had some woman's intuition and for once turned my phone off. Fast-Forward to seven a.m. Christmas Eve morning: unbeknown to me my mother called my father and subsequently bitched him out for no reason. Following, at approximately nine-thirty I was half awake and turned my phone back on; literally like two minutes later *ring, *ring, Drops of Jupiter sang out my phone. Yawning and still half awake I answer when my mom says "How dare you." At this point I'm like: oh shit she's messed up this early in the morning. Following, my Mom tells me how I am a horrible daughter who needs to be institutionalized--and let's face it this is close to the truth. After that she continued to make me feel like shit for no reason, especially when she said I ruined her, my father's, and grandmother's Christmas's. However, this was at nine-thirty in the morning; therefore, I hadn't even had the chance to do anything wrong, yet I was still in the situation. That night, after visiting my friend at the hospital who has a blood-clot (from heroin), I reluctantly went to my mom's to eat dinner and open presents; which has been the plan for months. But when do plans follow through with my family? Of course things went wrong: I literally expected it because that's how my mom is.We get there and I immediately know she's drunk; actually, I had known she was drunk since nine-thirty: so never-mind, haha. She kept trying to hand me presents and her husband kept telling her to wait. We were all starving, and I was definitely with her husband and step-daughter when she was told a million times to stop and wait until we ate and could relax. This resulted in her saying, "no Natalie, now you don't get to open presents anymore!" Wow, Mom you're so mature. Her husband ended up letting me open a few presents after dinner, but she then told me "that's enough you don't get anymore." One present I knew I was getting was Seven jeans (expensive), which she had money for due to her recent marriage. I knew because she needed to fold them so she knew where to hem them to. Well she ended up cutting them--you sew the ends up when you hem pants so you can adjust them if they're too short!--to a length above my ankles. Her husband was in denial, "ha that was an expensive mistake!" So I smoked crack and did heroin yesterday. That's my idiotic rationalization so I feel I deserve the escape. And that was only Christmas Eve! Fast-forward to today (Christmas), Everything went according to plan; my brother came to my dad, boyfriend, and I's apartment for breakfast, then we opened presents. My brother left to go back to my grandmother's (where he lives), and my Dad hopped in the shower. My boyfriend and I were supposed to go to my grandmothers and my Dad was just gonna meet us there. However, we called our drug-dealer and met him close to my grandmothers. We saved it for later and went to my Grandma's. At three-forty five, I called my mom (who of course didn't answer) and then called her husband trying to figure out where they were since dinner was supposed to be at three so my boyfriend and I could eat with my family then go to his mom's at five (who is pretty much my mom since I don't really have one). Her husband was amazed claiming my mom said that the time was flexible and didn't tell him the exact time, was currently passed out, and they were at home.* Mom showed up still drunk, but too late and we started opening presents without her. Following was my boyfriend and I's departure before dinner due to our inability to be punctual if we ate. Stress followed because my boyfriends friend called wanting a ride to get drugs, and he had a hundred dollars. My boyfriend and I fought because I said we had enough money to get our own drugs, it's Christmas, and I want to get clean so why affiliate myself with those kind of people. In the end he did it my way which was really nice and uncalled for. He usually needs it to be his way or else he'll make me suffer. My Dad came home smashed and yelled at me a lot for no reason. However, he finally took me to go get my refill on my anxiety medicine which I haven't had in a few days which has been pretty horrible. Like really horrible, actually; and really scary. I am calm and getting clean tomorrow. No ifs and or buts about it; if I don't, I don't know how much longer I can survive: physically, mentally, or period. I'm exhausted, I don't have anyone to talk to so that's why I wrote so much. If you're reading this, thanks for listening, you have no idea how much I need it. Sadly, seeing the stats go up on how many times people have viewed my posts is the only thing that makes me feel less alone. I am very grateful to blogger.com for giving me a healthy way to vent and escape, unlike heroin.

*My Mom's husband is completely in denial, and doesn't believe my mom's drinking,--or doing anything else for that matter--which she is.

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