Note: This entry was written yesterday, December 29, 2010.
Perfect=Impossible. So why do I continuously destroy myself in attempts to be perfect? It's so hard when I am consistently and ambitiously working to win my family and boyfriend's approval; yet still feel like they would be better off--and happier--without me. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and think of how much my death would positively impact their lives in the long run... I know they would be pretty shaken up; however, they would get over it. My boyfriend would move on and get a prettier, nicer, and most of all more sane (anyone else he would date would be more sane than me no matter what) girlfriend. Someday he'd marry that girl, and have little babies. My mom's life wouldn't change what-so-ever, because we're hardly in each other's lives. My brother would still graduate college, have a family, and based on his intelligence and potential be a very successful adult. My dad though, I have no idea what he'd do. He's definitely one of the main reasons I'm still breathing right now; as with my boyfriend. I live with my dad and boyfriend in a cheap--but still nice--townhouse, which is about a twenty minute walk to my school. My dad's older brother killed himself when he was younger and his mom recently passed away. His father (my grandfather) died before his brother's demise. I just couldn't add his only daughter to that list. I did succeed in one of my attempts to the point that I was hospitalized for a week; I took forty sleeping pills (Trazadone) and drank a fifth of tequila. My mom refused to call an ambulance when I realized I couldn't do that to my family. Thank god my grandma was on the phone and heard my pleas and called an ambulance. According to the doctors if my Grandma hadn't been on the phone I would've died. Sometimes I wish she didn't call, my Mom actually said that to me once: that she wished my grandma hadn't called. A different time she said that she had an abortion before she had my brother, then she said that if she hadn't have had it she wouldn't have had me because she only wanted two kids. She literally said she wished she wouldn't have had the abortion so I never would've been born and I'm right there beside her wishing that sometimes, even though she denies it now. However, if my Grandma wouldn't have called I never would've met my current boyfriend which would be a huge thing to miss. I don't regret that we met through drugs I care that we met. I love him more than anything on this Earth, I just wish he would give me a break sometimes. I feel like he won't acknowledge anything he does wrong but points out every little thing I do. It makes me hate myself more and more each time. I need to feel loved not hated, yet I don't know if I have truly felt loved by anyone; whether I know they do or not I've never truly felt it. My life has been so bizarre and misplaced that I never really could rely on anyone, and that's why I never let my guard down due to the fact I couldn't trust anyone. However, I let my boyfriend in and now I somewhat regret it. He has lied to me more than he has tried to tell me the flat out truth. I feel like heroin has killed him: he won't talk to me most of the time, I can barely see that I turn him on anymore I just try to believe him when he says I do... But most of the time I can't. Why would he want to look at me when he shows so much more interest in other girls. I just wish that once a month he gave me the look I've seen on his face so many times aimed at other girls. I wish I could be better. I wish I was less self-conscious, I wish I didn't hate myself, I wish I could just stop using, I wish I could be somewhat close to perfect, but most of all I wish I wasn't so alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment