Recovery at a Distance

I'm not sure where I've been, but I haven't blogged in a long time. I was living in nothingness, heroins strong-hold. I have always believed I was independent, didn't need any help, and was a "big girl." Oh, how wrong I was, and thank God I have realized that. I have finally gone to my family about my addiction and admitted that I cannot do it on my own. I thought they would hate me, yell and scream like every other day; no, they were happy. They knew I wasn't okay, no other seventeen year old girl they've seen has been this depressed... I know there are people that have it worse off than me but I just can't seem to handle the smallest things until they suffocate and overwhelm. When I told my grandma I decided I was going to go to detox, on the other end there was deadening silence and I thought 'shit, what did I just get myself into?' However, suddenly she says "oh thank God, honey, I'm so proud of you!" I am planning to attend an NA (or maybe it's AA--either works) at noon today. I feel like things will finally work out. I don't think I've written since I got fired, that sent me in a downward spiral. I got my dream job... and because of my use I left an hour early (with  permission) and had ONE sick day (with permission, they actually told me they didn't want me there if I was sick). This is the only reason I would've gotten fired but yeah, they will not give me a reason because Washington is a no-fault no-reason state: pretty much you're boss can tell you to grab your stuff and fuck off without so much as a hint at why. The thing is, they told me just to not come in, let me go back and forth for THREE weeks thinking 'oh shit I'm gonna get fired,' but more so thinking 'if they were going to fire me they would've done it by now! They wouldn't just make me sit around.' Yeah, it's pretty screwed up but it's my own fault I used it as an excuse to keep using, and now without work I can go to detox. It's hard when it seems like the rug keeps getting yanked out from under me, but I must look forward to a brighter day. I have been living in the past, and now I realize how damaging that is. Not only can I not dwell on past negative experiences, but past positive experiences are just as harmful. Living in the present let's you believe in the future and all that it can hold. Hanging onto how bad things were or even how good things were can ruin our acceptance of what we have now. Wish me luck, I'm diving in head first.

Repetion

Drugs turn lives into one huge vicious circle. Wake up attempting to resist "today will be the day I get clean!" Next, withdrawals eat away at the soul, the craving sets in whispering promises of perfection and invisibility. However, these are just devilish lies. Subsequently, the hunt emerges and no matter what, drugs are obtained, always hand in hand with the pain. The difficulty of finding a vein is hushed by the rush of euphoric bliss. All of it is a lie, because it is followed with sickness. The end of the cycle is drug induced sleep, hard to achieve without. The next day, the cycle repeats. This life becomes an endless bite of repetition, making it not a life at all; making this world including yourself nothing, depleting everything to just existing: not living. I haven't written lately because I have been following this cycle of disappointing madness. I want to stop. I need to stop. I can't stop. I can stop. If anyone is reading this and is either addicted, experimenting with, or has/will be offered heroin: Don't. Just quit, or don't ever try it. After I tried it once I was hooked. It tricks you by promising everything you want in the world and then takes everything you have. I have lost all my friends, and ruined most of the relationships with my family members, the ones that haven't been ruined have been damaged beyond repair. I dream that when I get clean all the things I had before like money, friends, some happiness, and life will return to me. However, I know that many of those things will never return because I've made it that way. I've made my bed so now I have to sit in it. The only way that I can fix what's happened is on my own, but heroin has made me weak when I used to be strong. In order to go down the right road I need to get out of this circle. This cycle won't allow happiness; therefore, escape is undeniably the only way to free myself from this death promise.