God grant me the serenity...

      The serenity prayer. Multiple times a day I said it in every inpatient I went to, and ended many AA meetings with it. I never truly embraced it until this last time I went to Sundown M Ranch. The serenity prayer is as follows:

God,

Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change.

The Courage to change the things I can.

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

     The prayer is asking God for help understanding that the only things in life we can change is ourselves, and that anything else is out of our hands. I need to accept that my life is all I can handle and I have enough trouble handling just that. I cannot try to work my families or loved ones recovery for them when I am struggling with my own. Talking about God, recovery and, especially, inpatient means I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll take you back to the end of July:

     My use had gotten so out of control that I was ready to give up and end it all. I tried going to meetings and getting clean but it just wasn't working. Basically, I was hopeless. After failing at Lakeside Milam inpatient I got heavily depressed and saw no way out of my addiction. I had nothing left to pawn and my family was turning their backs on me one by one. I looked horrible and felt horrible and had some very real concerns about my health. Every morning I would wake up with hot and cold sweats and would vomit in a way that I was sure I wouldn't make it through it. One day I woke up and told my Dad that I needed to go to inpatient and with tears in his eyes he promised he would help me. I thought I would be able to rack up at least a couple days but my use continued up until the day before I left for Sundown. 

      When I got to Sundown I was terrified and hoped that I would never have to use again. The place was beautiful and looking back I almost wish I has never left. I got horrible withdraws and cravings while I was there but toughed through and one day I was amazed to wake up and feel normal. My boyfriend and father came for a weekend called Con-Joint which is basically family counseling where you admit all the wrongs you have done to your family. This was my boyfriend Chad's form of inpatient because he didn't go when I did even though he was as deeply into the disease as I was. He admitted to using the whole time I had been gone and even smoked marijuana while visiting. 

      I learned a lot while I was in there and realize that I am a very intelligent and good person. I deserve to have a good life and be successful. I realized that there is a God especially since he sent me multiple signs while I was in there. It's impossible to look outside and think that we are the highest powers in this world. I know God carried me when I was walking alone and that he will help me through this.

      When I got out of Sundown I moved in with Chad and soon after I relapsed. And relapsed. And relapsed. And relapsed. I have been going to at least one meeting a day since I got out and have been calling my sponsor almost as much as I should. As I write this I am sitting on my Mom's couch and am hoping and praying that tomorrow I will not use. I had almost everything I owned packed up in my car for almost two weeks and had been living at Chad's Mom's but grabbing what I needed out of the car. Today I moved everything into my moms and don't know where I am going from here. I possibly am getting a job at a gym, am starting outpatient tomorrow, and am possibly getting into an oxford house if I get clean. 

     The future looks bright, and even though I don't have much right now, for once in my life I have a lot of hope. And that's all I need to keep me going. I know I can do it because I have God on my side. I have a second chance which many don't get. I could have died many times but I didn't and someone once told me if I'm not dead yet God's not done with me yet. I'm going to prove that I can be something and overcome the impossible. I'm going to prove to God that I deserve this second chance.

And here we are...

I went to detox, frail, cold, but with a lot of hope. From throwing up for twenty four hours I truly understood the velocity and stronghold my addiction has on me physically, but those nights spent mentally battling it were much worse. The nurses ignored my pleas of help when I had vomit on the ground, in my hair, and just about everywhere but I held through. I got out and relapsed. I went to outpatient but upon some people seeing me taking my prescription anxiety meds during the group break, they told me I had to go to inpatient. I didn't want to go so Dad called the cops saying I was suicidal and they hospitalized me, I agreed to go to inpatient. But, not Lakeside. I would never have agreed had I known it would be like that. Two physical fights and some other harassment caused me to run away from Lakeside, not once but twice. The first time I'm amazed that I actually was stupid enough to go back. I'm out and couch hopping. All these events have just aided my instability directing me back to the needle. I have failed, and am now somewhere I don't want to be, but try try again.

Second Chance at Life

I am proud to say that yesterday I finished detox!!! It's not like it was court-ordered or anything, my parents didn't force me, and I told them I needed it. The downfall was my mother's interaction with my detox. I begged her to check into detox with me, but she wouldn't, and instead lied to the detox saying that I snuck drugs in--when I didn't. Suboxin is a drug that helps with withdrawals, this is what my boyfriend took while I was checked into detox. Therefore, he didn't throw up for twenty-four hours the second day clean, like I did. The pain was, and still is, pretty intense. I thought I was dying and wouldn't get over it: yet, I SUCCEEDED and am now feeling so much better! Life has new meaning and I'm trying to recover faith in a higher power. The track mark scars are valuable; seeing how I destroyed myself will show me the horror I caused myself, and remind me of the pain of withdrawals and use in general. I miss the old me before I started 'partying' at age twelve. But, I realize now you cannot look to the past or present for answers. We must live in the moment or we will crumble. The thing that I never realized was that not only can you look to past bad events and dwell on them, you can't focus on the good parts of your past. This is because when we dwell on the past--negative or positive--it takes away the beautiful present. Shit happens, we need to live and let go, because if we don't focus on the present than we will be victims of the past. I always hung onto the bad things that occurred after my parents divorce (when I was eight), but also dwelling on how good it was before the divorce. Missing the past or looking for the future, we become stuck, lost waiting around for life to happen. I'm now going to survive my present and live one day at a time.

Recovery at a Distance

I'm not sure where I've been, but I haven't blogged in a long time. I was living in nothingness, heroins strong-hold. I have always believed I was independent, didn't need any help, and was a "big girl." Oh, how wrong I was, and thank God I have realized that. I have finally gone to my family about my addiction and admitted that I cannot do it on my own. I thought they would hate me, yell and scream like every other day; no, they were happy. They knew I wasn't okay, no other seventeen year old girl they've seen has been this depressed... I know there are people that have it worse off than me but I just can't seem to handle the smallest things until they suffocate and overwhelm. When I told my grandma I decided I was going to go to detox, on the other end there was deadening silence and I thought 'shit, what did I just get myself into?' However, suddenly she says "oh thank God, honey, I'm so proud of you!" I am planning to attend an NA (or maybe it's AA--either works) at noon today. I feel like things will finally work out. I don't think I've written since I got fired, that sent me in a downward spiral. I got my dream job... and because of my use I left an hour early (with  permission) and had ONE sick day (with permission, they actually told me they didn't want me there if I was sick). This is the only reason I would've gotten fired but yeah, they will not give me a reason because Washington is a no-fault no-reason state: pretty much you're boss can tell you to grab your stuff and fuck off without so much as a hint at why. The thing is, they told me just to not come in, let me go back and forth for THREE weeks thinking 'oh shit I'm gonna get fired,' but more so thinking 'if they were going to fire me they would've done it by now! They wouldn't just make me sit around.' Yeah, it's pretty screwed up but it's my own fault I used it as an excuse to keep using, and now without work I can go to detox. It's hard when it seems like the rug keeps getting yanked out from under me, but I must look forward to a brighter day. I have been living in the past, and now I realize how damaging that is. Not only can I not dwell on past negative experiences, but past positive experiences are just as harmful. Living in the present let's you believe in the future and all that it can hold. Hanging onto how bad things were or even how good things were can ruin our acceptance of what we have now. Wish me luck, I'm diving in head first.

Repetion

Drugs turn lives into one huge vicious circle. Wake up attempting to resist "today will be the day I get clean!" Next, withdrawals eat away at the soul, the craving sets in whispering promises of perfection and invisibility. However, these are just devilish lies. Subsequently, the hunt emerges and no matter what, drugs are obtained, always hand in hand with the pain. The difficulty of finding a vein is hushed by the rush of euphoric bliss. All of it is a lie, because it is followed with sickness. The end of the cycle is drug induced sleep, hard to achieve without. The next day, the cycle repeats. This life becomes an endless bite of repetition, making it not a life at all; making this world including yourself nothing, depleting everything to just existing: not living. I haven't written lately because I have been following this cycle of disappointing madness. I want to stop. I need to stop. I can't stop. I can stop. If anyone is reading this and is either addicted, experimenting with, or has/will be offered heroin: Don't. Just quit, or don't ever try it. After I tried it once I was hooked. It tricks you by promising everything you want in the world and then takes everything you have. I have lost all my friends, and ruined most of the relationships with my family members, the ones that haven't been ruined have been damaged beyond repair. I dream that when I get clean all the things I had before like money, friends, some happiness, and life will return to me. However, I know that many of those things will never return because I've made it that way. I've made my bed so now I have to sit in it. The only way that I can fix what's happened is on my own, but heroin has made me weak when I used to be strong. In order to go down the right road I need to get out of this circle. This cycle won't allow happiness; therefore, escape is undeniably the only way to free myself from this death promise.