God,
Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can.
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
The prayer is asking God for help understanding that the only things in life we can change is ourselves, and that anything else is out of our hands. I need to accept that my life is all I can handle and I have enough trouble handling just that. I cannot try to work my families or loved ones recovery for them when I am struggling with my own. Talking about God, recovery and, especially, inpatient means I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll take you back to the end of July:
My use had gotten so out of control that I was ready to give up and end it all. I tried going to meetings and getting clean but it just wasn't working. Basically, I was hopeless. After failing at Lakeside Milam inpatient I got heavily depressed and saw no way out of my addiction. I had nothing left to pawn and my family was turning their backs on me one by one. I looked horrible and felt horrible and had some very real concerns about my health. Every morning I would wake up with hot and cold sweats and would vomit in a way that I was sure I wouldn't make it through it. One day I woke up and told my Dad that I needed to go to inpatient and with tears in his eyes he promised he would help me. I thought I would be able to rack up at least a couple days but my use continued up until the day before I left for Sundown.
When I got to Sundown I was terrified and hoped that I would never have to use again. The place was beautiful and looking back I almost wish I has never left. I got horrible withdraws and cravings while I was there but toughed through and one day I was amazed to wake up and feel normal. My boyfriend and father came for a weekend called Con-Joint which is basically family counseling where you admit all the wrongs you have done to your family. This was my boyfriend Chad's form of inpatient because he didn't go when I did even though he was as deeply into the disease as I was. He admitted to using the whole time I had been gone and even smoked marijuana while visiting.
I learned a lot while I was in there and realize that I am a very intelligent and good person. I deserve to have a good life and be successful. I realized that there is a God especially since he sent me multiple signs while I was in there. It's impossible to look outside and think that we are the highest powers in this world. I know God carried me when I was walking alone and that he will help me through this.
When I got out of Sundown I moved in with Chad and soon after I relapsed. And relapsed. And relapsed. And relapsed. I have been going to at least one meeting a day since I got out and have been calling my sponsor almost as much as I should. As I write this I am sitting on my Mom's couch and am hoping and praying that tomorrow I will not use. I had almost everything I owned packed up in my car for almost two weeks and had been living at Chad's Mom's but grabbing what I needed out of the car. Today I moved everything into my moms and don't know where I am going from here. I possibly am getting a job at a gym, am starting outpatient tomorrow, and am possibly getting into an oxford house if I get clean.
The future looks bright, and even though I don't have much right now, for once in my life I have a lot of hope. And that's all I need to keep me going. I know I can do it because I have God on my side. I have a second chance which many don't get. I could have died many times but I didn't and someone once told me if I'm not dead yet God's not done with me yet. I'm going to prove that I can be something and overcome the impossible. I'm going to prove to God that I deserve this second chance.
